I've never been able to say I'm happy, and actually mean it. Now I can. And it feels fucking great.
I love it.
I don't even know what triggered this feeling. But I hope it doesn't end too soon for me.
That's how thing normally seem for me. Something really fucking great will happen; I get a few moments of happiness and joy; Then just as quick as it came, it's gone. It's not fun.
Hopefully this time is different :)
- Mood:
happy
- Mood: calm
All I know is that it feels like I shouldn't be here anymore. I feel like I'm constantly making mistakes. I feel like I'm lost in a sea of nothingness. I feel so alone. I feel like I've changed too much. Most of all I feel like no one cares. I feel like no one should care. I feel like I've just wasted your time, and maybe I have.
Ugh, whatever.
I'm done.
- Mood:
sad
anyway, i found this website:
www.best-love-poems.com
and its a place where you can post whatever poems you write and you can get feedback. there are a lot of people that use this site, so theres a pretty good chance that someone will find your poem and rate/comment it.
so im asking for a simple favor of anyone that actually reads this:
please visit the site. you will see a button that says "members", click on that and in the search bar, type in "shatteredxsoul" (thats me). i would really like to know what you guys think of my poems. please, dont be afraid to be honest. whether its good or bad, please let me know.
and thank you so much in advance.
<3.
- Mood:creative
i was just sitting here... daydreaming, thinking.
when i snapped out of it, i realize i was shaking. my hands are freezing cold.
n-o-t-h-i-n-g makes sense anymore.
what does that say about society today? i don't like how people can't open up to each other anymore. i wish i could. but i'm the type of person who immerses myself in my music, my movies, reading, or my writing. and i love that. i love that i'm the type of person who thinks deep and is emotional. but i feel as though everyone has their gaurds up. i can't help but think as the years go on, the world becomes more and more superficial. hidden beneath technology and gadgets are people who are afraid.
i think that's the reason i've fallen in love with the 80's - everything was so real. i watch these movies and i see people actually talking to each other. when have i just told someone everything? never.
anyways, because this post is mostly inspired by it, i think a recommendation is in order. go watch 'pump up the volume' with christian slater. yeah, some parts are funny, some inappropriate... but it is a very powerful movie, in my opinion. and if you're anything at all like me, it will hook you.
one last thing... the song today that has made me extremely happy (the one i can't stop listening to after hearing it in the movie Dream A Little Dream, which i watched today) is Time Runs Wild by Danny Wilde. listen to it, i guarantee it will make you smile. it just kind of makes me feel free and invincible.
well that's all for now.
<3.
i would really like it if you guys made a list of things that you are grateful for. so you can either put it in a comment or message, but i would really appreciate this. just make a list of 10-20 things you are most grateful for and tell me why.
i'm not gon make you do this, i'm just saying that i would appreciate it and it would make me happy. i think it would also help you, to remind yourself that there's are some good things in your life.
so if you would just please do this, i would love it.
and thank you <3.
- Mood: grateful
- Mood: depressed
so thank you very much.
from the bottom of my heart.
thank you.
i really do appreciate it and dont be surprised if you get a message from me saying that i need to talk to you or something along those lines =)
- Mood: touched
youre the reason why i just cant pay attention anymore.
and youre the reason for the butterflies in my stomach.
im scared to say i like you.
im scared to say were so much alike.
im scared generally.
but on a reassuring note, its okay. its a good kind of scared. does that make sense?
i dont want to lose you.
i dont want to lose anyone.
you dont know how difficult that it.
so im gonna continue what ive got going on. im gonna be brave and trust my instincts. no, not "im gonna"... i will, no matter what. im strong, you cant ease your fowl fingers underneath my skin. everything is behind me now. but still, im hopelessly trying to figure out why it left. whatever, im done sounding pathetic, seriously. if im not worth your time, dont think your worth mine.
- Mood: discontent
i cant talk to anyone. i cant trust them. its not like theyve done anything to make me not trust them, its just that i have a problem with it. i cant really talk to anyone because i am afraid of getting that close to someone. ive never shared my thoughts with anyone, or let out my feelings. i guess you could say that im "bottled up", but not to the point of exploding, because i write. i cannot tell you how much i write. its not in one specific notebook, no, i write on just any paper and i write exactly what im thinking. i dont always save the paper. i dont really do anything with it. i could make a freaking book with all the stuff i write, because i cant talk to anyone, i just cant. no one would publish the book though because it would be so messed up. no one would care. no one would read it.
i want to stop putting on this show for my friends, pretending everything is fine. its not. im tired of my parents thinking im fine. wouldnt you think that if your kid never really opened up to you there was some type of problem? wouldnt you think that if your kid was never happy at home and didnt talk to you, there would be a problem? well my parents dont. somehow, they think everything is fine.
i want to be able to talk to someone. i want to be able to let out all these fucked up jumbled thoughts and dump them onto someone else so they can try to sort them out and try to figure out what they mean, because i obviously cant. im tired of getting headaches because i cant stop thinking about all of this shit. im tired of all these pain relievers not working. im tired of this, all of it. i cannot put into words how bad i want this to end. its like a never-ending blast a caffeine has hit my brain but not the rest of me and its pouring in more for me to obsess, think, try to figure out, and worry about. i want to start over and im starting to beg. please.
i want someone to read this and realize that something isnt right with me. let me know that im not going crazy and this is really happening.
i want to talk to someone other than the people i cant trust, other than my family, other than my friends.
but i want to trust them. i just wont let myself.
is there a word for that?
- Mood:
confused
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